


Better Living Through Finer Suits

by shadowen



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Gen, Humor, Shopping, style is a way of life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-24
Updated: 2012-04-24
Packaged: 2017-11-04 05:31:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/390298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shadowen/pseuds/shadowen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"That's right, boys. I just saved the world with shopping."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Better Living Through Finer Suits

**Author's Note:**

> All of this happened because coffeesuperhero and I were miffed that, in the Avengers trailer, Loki blows up the M-A-C store. So this is, in fact, the fic where Tony and Loki go shopping. Blame Erin, y'all. And thanks to sabinelagrande for correcting my punctuation and telling me how to spell "pastime".

It takes a lot to frighten Tony Stark.

Flying robots with rocket launchers, explosions, unholy alien creatures, Nick Fury - in Tony’s calendar, that’s called ‘Monday’. When asked - as he often is - he rarely hesitates to describe himself as “uncommonly courageous” with “iron nerves”.

Later, he will relate this part of the story with a levity that belies the cold terror crawling in his blood as an ancient god of chaos and destruction strolls calmly around his living room, sipping what looks like a mint julep.

Tony’s read the briefs on Loki. Rather, he had Jarvis summarize and read them to him, but it amounts to the same thing. He’s seen the footage from New Mexico. He’s heard Thor speak with a measured grief that makes him both relieved and strangely sad that he never had a brother. 

Even so, even with the information processed and the threat assessed, it is not until this moment, until this ageless force of nature is studying him with sharp and warmthless smile, that Tony well and truly understands how very dangerous Loki is.

“I have an army,” he says, and Tony’s thinking about panic buttons and contingency plans and biblical plagues.

“We have a Hulk,” Tony replies, and Loki’s chuckle confirms that this sounds exactly as lame coming out as it does in his own head. 

Loki moves toward him, and Tony takes two full steps back before his brain catches up with his justifiably terrified feet. He is thinking at super hero speed, now. He’s thinking that the myriad security measures designed to alert S.H.I.E.L.D., Pepper, the United States military, and anyone else who might care to lend a hand when he’s in trouble are very possibly ineffective against someone who uses actual magic, and he’s thinking that the Iron Man suit is in the garage and without the suit he’s just a scrappy guy with a big mouth. What he needs is time. Time to come up with a plan, time to run the hell away, time for the cavalry he desperately hopes is coming to arrive. 

“Nice suit, by the way,” he says, and it’s true. Loki is dressed in what is unquestionably the finest suit Tony has ever seen in his sartorially accomplished life.

“Do you think so?” Loki runs a thin finger thoughtfully down the edge of his flawless lapel. “Once, the men of this world adorned themselves with trinkets and trophies to show their strength. Now, _this_ , this flimsy slip of silk is the truest sign of power. I must confess, I’ve grown rather fond of it. The effect is... elegant.” 

“You wear it well,” Tony observes.

Loki is still advancing slowly, steadily, and with a chilling menace that would make Vincent Price swoon. The fact that he’s doing so while discussing his thoughts on contemporary men’s fashion makes the whole thing somehow more terrifying. Tony refuses to give Loki the satisfaction of chasing him around the room, so he drops into a chair, firmly instructing every muscle in his body to _act casual_. He keeps all the exits in his line of sight.

“Do you have a guy, or do your magical powers include tailoring?” Tony rambles on. “Do they have suit guys in Asgard? I’d ask Thor, but he strikes me as less Prada and more plate mail.”

Loki pauses, a hint of curiosity peaking out from behind his palpable disdain. “A _guy_? You keep a slave to maintain your clothing? Perhaps this world is not altogether uncivilized, after all.”

“‘Master tailor’,” Tony corrects. “He might take offense if you call him a slave. I usually call him a genius. Or a sadist. The man can work miracles with cashmere, though, so I can stand getting poked with a few pins. I’d introduce you, but it’s so hard to find a good tailor and I’d rather mine not get blown up by a super villain.”

“I suppose I must acquire one of my own, then.” Loki smiles, and it is shockingly not creepy. At least, it’s not any creepier than the whole situation already is. “Perhaps you could provide a recommendation. Before I rip you and the rest of your team into tiny little pieces, that is.” This time, the smile is definitely creepy.

“Yeah, could we maybe push back the ripping til after the twelfth? M-A-C is launching their summer line, and I, for one, will feel much better about getting crushed by your unstoppable alien forces if I can hit a decent party, first.” Tony tries very hard not to check his watch, wondering if he can count on his new-found and so-called friends to show up, after all. “I realize you’re probably on some big, evil schedule, and I don’t want to screw up your plans for world domination. But, trust me, M-A-C parties are worth every inconvenience it takes to get into them.” He’s babbling, now, and all the cold fear that was in his veins has now settled into a frozen lump in his stomach. The bad news is that he’s pretty sure he won’t be getting out of this without some kind of impending miracle. The good news is that Loki is either genuinely interested or amused enough to just let Tony talk.

“You know a great deal about such things. Were we not mortal enemies, I would value your counsel on matters of... fashion,” Loki says, and Tony must be losing his mind because he actually sounds _disappointed_.

“Hey, just because we’re trying to kill each other doesn’t mean we can’t take a shopping break.”

“Shopping?” Loki looks puzzled.

“Yeah, y’know. Go out, spend obscene amounts of money, come home with a truckload of things you’ll never wear. It’s the great American pastime,” Tony explains.

“This is how you acquire your garments?” And Tony is definitely losing his mind and suffering auditory hallucinations, because the very next words out of Loki’s mouth are, “You must show me.”

Tony’s brain, which is always fast and is currently functioning at the speed of panic, takes a moment to process that.

“You... want me to take you shopping?”

“Yes.”

“Seriously?

“Yes, and I would request that we embark immediately. I’m eager to learn more of this particular human practice.” Loki is, against all expectations, grinning happily. “Unless you have some objection, of course. In which case, I should return to my original plan.”

“Which was?” Tony asks, even though he’s pretty sure he knows the answer.

“To torture you for information, kill you, and leave your mangled body as a message to your friends. Oh, and to decimate and enslave the people of your planet.” He’s still grinning, and Tony doesn’t need to be told twice. 

“To the mall!”

***

This is, by far, the strangest phone call S.H.I.E.L.D. director Nicholas J. Fury has ever had to make.

It gets stranger when Stark answers after the third ring with, “I have no idea what this looks like, but I promise you it’s not.”

“So you’re _not_ currently strolling down Rodeo with an evil Norse god?”

“I think _evil_ might be a little strong, here. More like misunderstood. And didn’t we determine they were actually super advanced aliens, or something?”

On the CCTV monitor, he sees Loki turn and speak to Stark. Whatever he says is lost over the phone, but Stark replies, “Yeah. Fury says ‘hi’.... No. I think an apology would probably help.... Yeah?.... Yeah, I’ll tell him.” To Fury, Stark says, “My friend here wants you to know that he’s decided to reconsider the whole world domination thing.”

Fury presses a thumb to his one remaining eye. Not for the first time, he thinks about the universe’s supply of patience and wonders how much the Avengers initiative has depleted it. 

Over the control room speakers, Captain Rogers’s voice comes clear and concerned. “ _What does Tony think he’s doing? He can’t take Loki on his own._ ”

“ _Doesn’t look like they’re doing much fighting_ ,” agent Barton’s voice observes. “ _Looks like they’re having a blast._ ”

“ _What are you saying?_ ” Rogers sounds offended. “ _You can’t possibly think Tony would betray us._ ”

“ _I think that green shirt was entirely the wrong color for Loki, is what I think._ ”

“ _Yeah, he’s definitely a Winter_ ,” Coulson deadpans.

“ _Definitely. Nice suit, th-._ ” Barton stops, then says in an entirely different voice, “ _Contact._ ”

On the monitor, a woman in pink stops to talk to Stark, and Fury can hear him greeting her cheerfully. He kisses her on each cheek and introduces her to Loki with the ominous intimation that they “should have a lot to talk about”.

Fury is officially over this crisis. “Stark, the rest of the team is in position. Say the word, and they’ll move in.”

“Why, director Fury. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were worried about my well-being.”

“Not at all. I just want to know why one of my agents is going shopping with a super villain.”

“ _We’ve identified the woman_ ,” Coulson says. “ _Sir, she’s on the GCI list._ ”

Fury rolls his eye. Of course she is.

“That is actually a very funny story,” Stark is saying. “One which I will be _delighted_ to tell you later, in what I’m sure will be the most entertaining debriefing in S.H.I.E.L.D. history. But, right now, I’m starving. Hey, are you guys hungry?” The woman shrugs and smiles, and Loki says something that makes Stark laugh. “Great! So we’re gonna get some food. I know this terrific place around the corner. Steve! Care to join us?”

If the physical appearance of a deer caught in the headlights of a car could be translated into the sound of a human voice, it would have been Rogers’s at that moment. “ _Uh... well, Tony, I’m not sure that’s such a good idea._ ”

“ _He can’t hear you, Cap._ ”

“ _Oh. Right. Geez, I guess...._ ” Rogers sighs and mutters something that sounds suspiciously like ‘Goddamnit’.

Before Fury can even begin to respond, he hears Barton snicker, “ _Oh, this is gonna be good_ ,” and the broad shoulders of Captain America himself appear on the monitor. 

Stark meets him with a grin and a slap on the back and says smugly, “See ya later, Nick,” before the phone goes off with a click.

From across the room, Hill gives him a questioning look, and Fury just throws up his hands. “Apparently, they’re going for dinner.”

***

The debriefing, as Tony promised, is highly entertaining. At least, Clint and Bruce, who spend most of it cackling, think it is. Coulson and Natasha look equal parts amused and irritated, but Tony thinks that might be their default. Steve seems to have taken the whole thing in stride, and Thor can’t quite figure out what the hell is going on.

“My brother has given up his vengeance for _clothing_?”

“I wouldn’t say ‘given up’ so much as ‘refocused’,” Tony says. “The whole global domination thing doesn’t really work for anybody, so I put him in touch with some people who can help him find more controlled outlets for his evil.”

“That woman. You know her?” Fury is either livid or totally cool with this. Tony’s not really sure.

“Who? Sheila? Oh, we go way back. Don’t worry, she’s alright.”

“She’s a super villain,” Natasha reminds him. “A registered, self-described, card-carrying bad guy.”

“That doesn’t mean she’s a bad _person_. And I believe the preferred term is ‘antagonist’.”

Clint snorts and Coulson actually cracks a smile.

“Look, I know this is all a little... unusual,” Steve says, “but I think we should count this one as a win. I mean, whatever Tony did, it means Loki’s no longer an immediate threat.”

“That’s right, boys.” Tony leans back in his chair and props a foot up on the table. “I just saved the world with _shopping_.”


End file.
